Sometimes I think I need a fling. Something for just selfish me. Yep, I need to think about me.

A secret, a little corner of the universe where I cease to exist as a person. A place where the security cop in my head is off duty and I say what I please.

I'm married. I'm scared that it was a bad decision. I love him. In every way he is the best thing for me. I feel I am scared too much to accept t he love he offers. I feel I cannot love as I should. I fear I want too much. I fear I want to little.

I'm having a difficult time lately. I worry about my dearest friend, my heart grows fonder of him as the days grow long. It is such a different love than anything I've ever known. We are friends first and last - forever. That being said, I find myself in a relationship where my feelings have grown without my knowledge for a man I just discovered I cannot trust. I know this from the pain in my heart as I type this. As much as I fought the urge to get close to someone else, it happened. I recently found out he's been meeting other people or trying to and going out on dates all at the same time he's telling me he loves me. It's like de ja vu - a bad B movie replaying in my mind. Move over Groundhog day .. I have my own personal hell right now.

I feel betrayed and hurt and literally disgusted because he will not tell me the truth. Is he with-holding the information because he's caught and he's trying to get away with it? Or is it because he knew he screwed up and my tears over the phone cemented the point he wished to hurt me no more than he already had? I'm afraid I'll never know. Funny thing about this .. 3 years ago at this time .. my husband was doing the exact same thing ... and denying it.

I hate Christmas.

He pinged me the other night and it was on a day I definately needed it. His work is hell and so is mine this week. I wonder how long it will be until I get to share space with him again. I miss him so much and he tells me the same. I wonder why he refuses to tell me he loves me. I believe he does. Why is he so afraid to tell me????

I spent the day shopping or rather the morning. My thoughts never left the thought of wanting and being ready to be part of a couple again. Not the secret couple that I seem so consumed in right now, but a real life relationship. I miss so much of companionship. I get lonely, so lonely sometimes. I want to share all that is in my head and my heart and be so completely vulnerable again .. yet my fears keep me a safe distance away. Away for the thing, I so desperately desire. wonder where the balance is there? Or is there ever really balance? Is it just a marage in the dessert of life? *shrugs*

How'd I get to a place where I love so unconditionally and it isn't returned? I think about that sometimes. Is it unconditionally if I wonder if I'll ever be loved back? Some days i do really well being alone, raising these kids, living in this town and in this house. I came back from my parents last night, to the comfortable surroundings on my own sleepy block and as I pulled into the garage and I smiled. I came home from a visit emotionally unscathed. I didn't allow the comments to get to me. I took the compliments of the weight gain in stride, knowing that somewhere in my heart I knew I had found a comfortable place to be me and be accepted. Funny how that happens?

I love him, I will never stop. Regardless of getting affection back or not. It's who I am and I refuse to deny myself of that person again.

Last night as I ate dinner I was verbally assulted because of my compassion. I would have never guessed that during this day and age that having compassion and care for someone distraut with grief would happen. I think I hate that the most. It becomes a silly little childish game of control and right now, I'm at the hands of it. How in the hell did I get myself in this particular predicament. I should have known better. I should have said No that first time. Why must I lose myself when I determine to start a friendship or relationship? Even when the relationship is over and I still find myself being puppetiered to ones own designs. And people wonder why I find such solace and comfort in the long distance friendship that find my heart more and more intertwined. Despite the distance we are closer and have more respect for each other than people in my daily life 20 miles away, people I see at work on a daily basis.

If I had one choice to make, be with him for a short time or continue on my life with just certainty that I can have mundane for years to come .. I'd choose him. It's not even a choice at this time. My heart loves him, my soul craves him and my head? My head knows that it will never be anyone else that has my attention, respect and trust as much as him. In this case being second best isn't winning ... we all lose if I settle for second best. Regardless, I'll always have his friendship and i'll continue down my path with the stubborn stance of NOT losing my compassion because someone doesn't understand me. I will not bow down and marginalize the person I am because of ignorance.

It's been a long time since I've visited this place. I don't know what keeps me from here other than I've grown to appreciate the journal that has held the last 3 years of my life. So why do I visit here today? Because I need some place to brain dump all my thoughts.

I'm completely in love with a man who owns my every thought. Has for over the last few years. He's slow to open up and power when he does. He plays with our emotions for fear of what his past experiences have brought him in the past. Do I think he loves me? Yeah I do. Do I think causes him great fear and to push away? Yeah I do. Our communication is always intimate. He's shared some amazing depth to himself, things I know that he is not comfortable in sharing with others. I love him, I will always love him. It's that once in a life time connection that everyone thinks is fairy tale or unrealisitic.

But like every great fairy tale there is tragedy. His fear, his insecurity and his past keep him from committing. Every time we talk he brings this up and each time I argue with him. Our latest chatter about it has me knowing without any uncertainity or insecurity that he loves me probably more than I have ever been loved in the past and he is 3000 miles away. I expressed my love for him this week. I don't do it much, I'm so completely stingy in love. He knows I love him. When we were hanging up it was like he didn't want to hang up, I didn't either. So like the person I am, I sent it in an email.

The tragedy here is loving someone so completely and knowing fear and the past keep me from exploring all the possibility. The tragedy is that this is the most love I've even been given and I can't find the words to express this so completely. Our few lines of emails and even more seldom phone calls are some of the most initimate and honest communication that I have ever seen. Most married couples, young romances and relationship don't get to such a raw and honest plane.

If I had to live this life never knowing this type of love, I would feel as if I hadn't lived.

It seems as if all my insecurities have come front and center this week. I'm not sure what to do with them, I'm not sure how to handle them and to confront them head on - well it's one of those insecurities. I'm drowning with no hope of making it it through un scarred.

I spent time writing in my written journal this afternoon - the entry sounds so completely selfish and makes me feel bad. I hate this holiday. The loneliness is overwhelming me today .. and I have to spend the evening with family.

Suck it up .. I just need to suck it up.